A Life Lived in Fear is A Life Half Lived

So, I’ve decided to do it – here’s the truth.

The truth is, I started and named this blog after how I am living my life. I am living it in fear, which it is why my life is a life half lived. And nothing, I can gratefully say, is endangering my life, except my own thoughts and reactions.

I have panic disorder. This just means I have panic attacks, sometimes randomly and sometimes triggered. I read that one out of three people have had a panic attack in their lifetime, and most don’t even know it. The closest comparison I’ve found is:

Imagine you’re driving home after work. You’re tired, you’re fighting traffic on the highway. You’re half asleep because it’s been a long day. Traffic starts moving and you’re speeding along. Suddenly, the semi that was driving on your left decides it needs to be in the right lane, but it doesn’t see you. You can’t swerve to the right because there’s a car there, so all you can do is slam on your brakes and hit the horn. The semi hears you, swearves back into its lane, and everything continues.

Your heart starts pounding, your palms are sweaty, your thoughts start racing. First you think that you would have been late for the dinner plans you had. But the more you think about it, you realize that it could have been a lot worse – you may not have made it to dinner at all. By the time you get home, you’re upset but you start to calm down and it’s soon a memory.

Now imagine this feeling coming out of no where. Sitting at your desk at work. Eating lunch at a restaurant. Waiting for a movie to start in the theater. All these feelings rush at you and you think that you need to get away from whatever is threatening you, and you can’t figure out why.

Or, you could start to be afraid to drive near semis. But for many people with panic disorder, it’s not that simple, but we do make associations. And we always fear and avoid the next panic attack.

My association was made with traveling, probably ten years ago. I had a few bad experiences which gave me panic attacks, and I didn’t know what they were. They continued to get worse and worse. The worst of it was in college, when I couldn’t stand to be alone. I was terrified that something bad would happen and the hours would be torture.

I didn’t start looking for answers until Aaron and I were engaged. I decided that he needed to marry a whole person, not one who was constantly living in fear. I started seeing a great doctor (although some of the in-between is actually a funny story for another time) and therapist, and I’ve been working on it.

I have a fear of being backed into a corner; really, of feeling trapped. And nothing felt more confining than being in another city away from home. I feel like if I am away, I wouldn’t be able to get back home if something happened. I don’t know what that something would be, but the moments where I realize this are instant terror for me.

To be fair to myself, I have greatly improved. We can stay the night in other places, sometimes, and I don’t have the same daily anxiety and panic I used to have. But the greatest hurdle for me is flying and staying the night away from home.

This is where my point is leading. This Wednesday, I want to take a trip to Washington, DC. The city isn’t important, and the only reason it’s this city is that there is a conference that I would like to attend there and I want to see if I can do this. But the more I think about it, the more I talk myself out of it.

I haven’t been telling people I’m going because I want to be able to back out of the trip with no excuses. No reason to lie, nothing to tell, because if people don’t know, I have nothing to explain. But that’s why I’m telling you.

But my goal isn’t to make the trip now. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself that if I could go, I would suddenly be cured of this panic. After all, isn’t that the point? But I realized, the point is that I am willing to try this. Think of something that puts you in sheer terror, and then be willing to say, sure I’ll try that. That’s what I’m doing.

So I’m going to go to the airport and then decide if I can do this. By just getting to the airport, and all the weeks that have led to this – booking the flight, making arrangements for our dog, getting Aaron to come with me, agreeing to go – those were all huge steps that I would not have done before. I’ve already won.

I think it’s easy to judge me for this, and that is also my greatest fear. That you will read this and think that I have the easiest problem in the world. If I don’t go, then I’ve failed. I know this because it’s what I keep thinking.

But you probably aren’t judging me, and I am just judging myself. Those are my own worries and fears. I will go to the airport and decide what is best for me, and I will be proud of whatever outcome.

By the way, distraction works really well for me. I just watched “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” for the first time and it was great to laugh. If you know some great romantic comedies (and can loan me some!) until then, let me know.