A Life Lived in Fear is A Life Half Lived

I’ve learned two things this week – I am a creature of habit and I do not enjoy being around negative people. And I figured this out while in the back seat of an airport shuttle in Kansas.

I have always been too terrified to travel for work because of my panic disorder. I’ve had a botched attempt, a half assed attempt, and the chance came up to travel for a training. I decided I would challenge myself and give it a try, so I warily agreed. The trip would be on a Tuesday and Wednesday to Kansas City.

I didn’t have anxiety leading up to the trip and I thought maybe it would be as easy as Seattle. But trouble started the Sunday before the trip. It started with a nightmare that left me unsettled, and I felt the doubt creep in. On Monday, I fell into my old pattern of being afraid of nothing specific. I worked out to try to shake off the feeling but it didn’t help.

I sat on the sofa and stared at the clock. I was considering backing out and I had until 8:30 to drop off my dog for boarding. I decided calling my dad for advice was a good idea. It was NOT a good idea. My dad, frustrated with me, got angry and told me to just stay home so I would stop worrying and crying. I sat with my dog for about thirty minutes when I stood up and decided to go.

I always carry a slip of paper with my itinerary and anything I personally have scheduled for a trip. I planned my outfits, charged up my iPod, loaded up my new Doctor Who audio book, and packed my Kindle. I went to bed early feeling normal about the trip and a little excited that I had decided to go.

My flight on Tuesday morning was direct and quick. I was laughing on the plane thanks to the audio book and I was completely engrossed in the story. Hearing David Tennant’s familiar (and sexy) voice made the flight great and I had the second half of it to listen to on the way home.

I started a new experience when I arrived in Kansas City since I was working. I decided to do a shuttle to the training because the company is about 45 minutes from the airport. The driver was supposed to have a sign with my name on it, but unfortunately she was running behind. (I had plans to take a picture of that.) Another passenger was in the shuttle and she discussed her flight delay and tornados with the driver, focusing on the damage to Joplin and the storms predicted for the evening.

When I got to the company, I couldn’t find any of my co-workers. Through some texting I found out I had just missed them and they ran back to grab me for lunch. The training afterwards wasn’t as bad as I expected (almost all trainings suck by default!) but the chatter increased about upcoming bad storms.

Downtown Kansas City on Tuesday by Scott Cook

At the hotel, I couldn’t decide what to do. The forecasts for Wednesday were looking bad and I started to get scared that my flight would be cancelled, which had turned into my fear’s focus. I considered hermiting in my room, really so I could obsess over the next day. My friend Ly Ann texted to say that she was going to tapas with her friend Becky and invited me along. I started to whine about my fears and Ly Ann was incredibly reassuring. I thought about my commitment a few months ago about not missing opportunities so I jumped up and said I was in.

I think that was the best decision of the whole trip! We went to a tapas bar called La Bodega. I’ve never been to a tapas bar and this turned out to be what I needed. We watched the clouds roll in, with no rain, and over the next couple of hours we enjoyed great food and some wine.

We went back to the hotel and I was in a great mood. I ended up chatting with my sister a bit and went to bed feeling good, and woke up the same. I got dressed and packed up since I’d leave directly from the training for my flight home, and a quick check of the weather seemed like I’d have no problems with my flight. I even forced my co-workers to take a photo with me.

The trainer stopped about noon and announced that we needed to go to the stairwell. The tornado warning sirens were going off. One of the only benefits about panic disorder is that most people who have it stay incredibly calm during emergencies, mostly because we spend so much time thinking about it. I grabbed my bag and went into the stairwell.

The building employees seemed to be enjoying the warning. Most had said they’d never had to take shelter before, and some were going outside to look around for tornados. Once we had word that a tornado touched down one block away from the building they took it seriously and came inside.

We look pretty calm hiding in a stairwell, don't we?

I was irritated and growing more anxious the rest of the afternoon as everyone turned into a weather forecaster. There were more tornados coming, there was nothing coming, and everyone was watching the Doppler radar and discussing predictions. I kept checking my flight for cancellations but nothing was posted. Ly Ann had to reassure me throughout the afternoon, but things were clearing up and I met my shuttle for the ride to the airport.

The two passengers in the shuttle were discussing Spain. They had never met but were sharing stories about travel gone wrong. I kept quiet in the back seat and realized that there are two kinds of travelers – ones who focus on what a great time they had and ones who focus on what a terrible time they had. Ly Ann had mentioned over tapas how much she enjoyed her recent trip to Spain which made me realize the different types. I decided that from that point forward I will ignore the negative travelers and weather forecasters.

I also realized as the scenery went by that I had difficulty with situations I can’t control. Tornados, flight delays, the shuttle, even Austin’s light rail. But using what patterns work for me, such as a support system of friends and lists, audio books or my Kindle, shows me that this is not that extraordinary and I can handle it.

The flight was delayed because of weather in other cities, proving again that I can’t control everything just by worrying about it.

I’d like to say that Kansas City was gorgeous but I never went; I can’t say I had a fun time because it was a work trip. But that’s what made this so bad ass – the point wasn’t going to visit family or having fun. It was to work. And I honestly thought that was something I’d never be able to do. Like anything it’s going to take practice for me to go on longer or different trips but this was a major accomplishment for me. And I’ve been celebrating it because to see how far I’ve come in six months doesn’t seem real.

I wouldn’t have been successful without the support from my sister and friends. I am grateful to have their understanding and kindness!

I struggle sometimes with how much to honestly post on a blog. No one wants to read a whiny blog, but it would be silly to think my life was sunshine and roses all the time. Or much at all, lately, considering. When I wait to write about something fantastically positive it seems like I don’t write for weeks.

I think this one is fantastically positive, though, and I’ll tell you why.

I started riding Austin’s light rail system, MetroRail, about two weeks ago. I’d been saying I would do it since they mentioned opening a station near the house several years back but I never got around to it. I had one reason or the other, mainly expense, but since I get to ride it for free for work I really ran out of excuses. Plus I am desperate to save money with the price of gas and I have a long work commute.

I asked friends who ride the bus how it works. I mean, I rode the shuttles in college which was forever ago but I’ve never rode the city buses. They showed me how the schedules work (and a sweet friend offered to ride with me the first time!) so I figured out when I needed to be at the rail station and how to take the flyer to work.

The design of the station reminds me of when Sugiyama-san waits for the train in “Shall We Dansu?” and practices his steps on the platform. (That’s my favorite movie of all time. FYI.)

I didn’t need my friend to ride with me and I actually had fun the first trip. The train is so cool on the inside. It’s crazy clean, no food or drink allowed, and everyone is very polite and quiet. I’ve taken a book but never needed it because I love watching the scenery. I like it and I look forward to the days I can take the rail to work. I hope they expand to weekends. I initially decided I’d ride once a week, but now I think I will aim for twice a week. It should save me at least one fill up a month if not a little more than that.

So here’s where the fantastically positive comes in. The reason I kept putting off riding the rail was it gave me anxiety. I didn’t like that I have no control over the schedule, the route, and being stuck at my destination and dependent on the rail to come home. It doesn’t sound like it, but it turned into another point against my panic disorder by taking the rail to work.

And it feels like one day, I’ll be the one dancing on a train platform in Japan.

I found an old newspaper clipping at Lord’s with this quote and I kinda adore it.

Fight one more round.

When your feet are so tired that you have to shuffle back to the center of the ring, fight one more round.

When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round.

When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish that your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped.

- James J Corbett

When life becomes crap, it’s easy to only focus on what’s going wrong. You think about what you wish you could go back to, or what you wish was different, but wishing doesn’t work. Time does though, as much as that sucks, and finding a new perspective.

I know I’ve had a hell of a time focusing on the positives. Most of my sentences start with “But…” or “What if…” or “Should I…” and then rambling off into things that didn’t happen or won’t happen. I’m ready now to look at the things I’m grateful for, and as time goes on I’ll have the ability to see more things and make the list grow.

My Gratitude List

My family and friends
My home
My dog
My cats
My job
Having food, medicine, clothing
My health
My priest
My rediscovered ability to travel
My memories
Getting through one day

(Now the fun ones.)
Tron Legacy tonight!
My Kindle
Video games
Soy milk
The paintings my niece makes
Patricia Briggs’ novels
Japanese dramas, especially Nodame
Wine
Vampire flicks
The entire male cast of Buffy
Singing along
The Highball
Martial arts/boxing
Being outside with my dog
The shooting range
Video chats with my niece
Friends willing to talk all night with me
Geeks
Re-runs of Doctor Who and ST:TNG
That candle that Jen gave me (will have to look up the scent)
Stella Artois with a shot of Maker’s Mark
Sushi
The UT Tower
YA books
Sewing
My technology knowledge
Volunteering

Okay, just making this list cheered me up. I definitely need to keep adding to it, and I think I’ll feel better when I look at it each time.

I have high expectations of 2011 and I think it’s going to be a really great year.

If you follow me on Twitter you know I had a weekend full of win. Aaron and I went to Seattle to visit Kelly and her family and it was a very successful trip!

We rescheduled this trip because I changed my mind at the airport. Well, my panic attacks changed my mind for me, but when we got home I was determined to try again. So we set it up for this past weekend and I was set that we would go. And I had no problem leading up to the trip, which was pretty awesome.

In Seattle, I had two panic attacks but I was okay with them. I discovered that dancing in the restaurant bathroom to imaginary Lady Gaga helps me recover a lot quicker. So not only was I okay with the panic attacks, I went on and had a good time ANYWAY! Take that, panic disorder.

So, enough of that. Let me tell you how I have the cutest niece in the world and show her off by posting a lot of pictures.

We took the 6am flight which is really, really early. Thanks to the magic of time zone time travel we got to Seattle a little after 9am. (Somehow the pilot shaved an hour off the flight. If I think about this too long, I worry.) My sister greeted me and we were wearing the same color just like we did last year, which shows the twin-ness is still in full effect.

We went down to the pier and visited the Seattle Aquarium. I love the exhibits where I can touch any sea creature I can get my hands on. I made Aaron touch the starfish and urchin, and we stared at the salmon and worked hard to not eat them.

We got out to my sister’s new house in Issaquah. It’s a really cute town and the area is beautiful, even with the full Seattle treatment of cold and rain. I asked her to stop by a vintage shop on the way there and it was way too expensive for me, but they had nice stuff.

My mom sent along a stuffed kitty with us, and it was a hit. My niece likes to say MAO for meow and we were entertained by this the entire time.

This, of course, is the cutest picture of ever and will end up framed in my house somewhere. My sister is great about playing and she read a story, so I did too. We were a bit knackered so I fell asleep watching a movie after dinner.

The next day we went downtown so I could go to H&M and Pike Place Market. I know H&M doesn’t sound like an event but I’d been saving up to go. And I was proud of myself for only getting things I knew I would wear and not doing a mad grab for everything.

After that we had a great lunch at Steelhead Diner. Aaron was excited to see they had poutine so we ordered that. It’s been a running joke with some of our Canadian friends so we wanted to see what the fuss was about. It was really good.

We had a great time and I’m hoping to go again in the fall. I think we should try for twice a year until I can convince my sister to move back!

The process of getting ready for a trip is different. I’m not sure what makes it different, but I’ve had trips that gave me zero anxiety, and trips where I have dreaded it for weeks.

So every morning this week I’ve woken up in panic. My worst fears happen in my nightmares, the last place I can control them, which is really unfair of my brain to do. Mornings are the worst. I’m actually where I’m at a point where I hate this whole thing, and the added negativity doesn’t help.

But I realized that I don’t accept limitations in other parts of my life, but this is one limitation I was accepted. It’s been a part of my story for so long I never thought that some day, it may not be. So if I don’t put up with all the other crap, why do I put up with this?

So yeah, getting ready for a trip will probably be hard. I won’t like it. And some trips will be no problem at all. There’s no pattern or reason, it just is. I wanted to get rid of the panic, eliminate it completely, and I think by wishing that so hard and getting angry I’m not going to change.

I’m just going to go with it. I’m accepting the feelings, but I’m not accepting the limitations. I’m done with that. So I may get upset, and it may terrify me, but I’ll try to wave hi at it and keep moving.

And if I don’t make the trip sometimes, that’s okay too. I try so hard to be flawless that I don’t allow for those scenarios. I would never have expectations like this on someone else, so I won’t expect them from me.

I appreciate the help from my family and friends that have been through this or have had kind words for me. Support means the most.

I’m also done talking about it for the most part. I drive Aaron crazy. By dwelling on it and rehashing the same thoughts (why me? why doesn’t it stop?) I’m not improving. So I’ll just say, yeah that sucked, but here are the parts that didn’t. And that’s what makes it worthwhile.

I don’t talk about my panic disorder often because it’s a part of daily life, and I usually save it for recaps. I’m going to Seattle in a few weeks to visit my sister and I am already having anxiety. I can never remember trip from trip how I feel before I go, so maybe sharing my process can help.

Here are my facts. I love my sister and her family. I think Seattle is a great town. I hate traveling and I don’t want to go.

That’s the whole base that I work with. A few months before a trip, or the formation of the idea, I’m excited. I think about seeing her or seeing a new place and I think it can’t be that bad. After all, I’ve been dealing with this for over ten years. Surely, this time will be different.

And it is different in that the amount of anxiety is less, but it’s still there. And I hate that it’s still there, like I’m failing. I’ve read to accept the panic instead of avoiding it, but I actually just hate it.

For the past few days, I’ve been considering canceling. I have an overwhelming sense of dread and foreboding; something will go wrong. I can’t even say it’ll be with the plane, with my family, with my dog – I feel like something is off. And my mind starts to look for things that could possibly be wrong.

I’ve sat and thought about all the things that can be. It doesn’t put me in a great mood and I can work myself up pretty well. I’ve decided to put off thinking about it in the evenings so it doesn’t affect my job.

Guilt plays a big role too, because I think about how much I affect my family with this crap. I have to put that aside too but it’s difficult.

This morning was rough, but right now I’m fine. I’m not thinking about the trip. I still have time to worry about it. I don’t know what I’m worried about, but it’ll come up.

I try very hard to rationalize, but like most fears there’s little I can tell myself to make it okay. Now I can decide is to go ahead and go, accept the panic and not avoid it, and hope that nothing goes wrong.

Sometimes this is all the anxiety I get about a trip, like I get it out of my system. We’ll see what happens.

I’ve decided to start a long-term goal to accomplish overcoming my panic disorder. I am going to travel to another country.

After Aaron and I got married, we took a week off work for our honeymoon. But it wasn’t really a honeymoon. I couldn’t travel anywhere by plane at that point in time so we ended up doing a day trip to a few Texas towns. It was fun, but not what I wanted our honeymoon to be. I think this is an opportunity for us to take a real honeymoon.

I don’t plan on doing this in a few months. It will take me a long time to travel more and more to get better at it and dealing with my panic attacks. I also don’t want to worry about how we will pay for the trip, so I decided to use saving for the trip to help with timing.

I wish I could say I was excited, but I’m not even at that point yet! But I have time. I figure it will take us about five years to save up so that we can take the trip without using any credit. And that will be extra fantastic.

Right now, two places are in the running:

Ireland

I think an English-speaking country will be less stressful for me, and Aaron would like to do a trip over to England while we are there. Also, I may try to stalk Glen Hansard. And U2.

Japan

This is a no-brainer. I know enough Japanese that I shouldn’t have a problem, and I’ve always wanted to go. (It’s the distance I’m worried about.)

You can help us save for the trip by contributing to our savings fund (cool, right?) in place of birthday or holiday presents. But we’ll continue to save until we have the funds, and I have the guts.

Wish me luck! Not only will we have a real honeymoon, but I’ll have overcome my fears. And if you have any suggestions other than Ireland or Japan, please leave a comment.

(You should read my post on my panic disorder first.)

We decided to go to the Amgen Tour of California as an opportunity to see Lance ride competitively since it was his only U.S. race this year, and we can’t exactly afford a trip to Paris. To challenge myself, I decided that we would stay two nights.

I didn’t expect any problems when I planned the trip. My panic disorder was nonexistent in Las Vegas, and I really wanted to watch Lance race. We did all our homework, had a great itinerary, and were good to go.

On the Sunday before we left, I got Very Bad News (VBN). In a way, the VBN came from no where, and I was upset for days. (I can’t talk about the VBN yet but I will soon.) I considered changing our trip but I thought I could deal.

We left for Sacramento and saw one of my co-workers on the flight. I had anxiety but I was expecting it since two nights is a HUGE deal for me. (I haven’t stayed two nights away from home in about ten years.) When we got to the hotel, I suddenly wanted to go home because I felt trapped.

We checked for flights and found nothing that would get me home that night, which cascaded into panic. (You can follow the panic stream on my Twitter.) I resolved myself to being able to stay one night but we’d go home the next day, even though that was the big day of the Prologue.

In the morning we walked around the course and downtown Sacramento. Downtown is beautiful and very organized. We checked out the Capitol, where they were setting up for the race.

And on a rare chance, even though I had made the weekend crap, we found someone to take a picture of us.

So what happened? A part of me thinks I failed and ruined another trip, and some of that is true. But I’m also not realizing what a huge step that was for me. I always try to jump ahead instead of working my way towards a goal. All the anxiety of the week with the VBD did weigh on me, no matter how much I tried to ignore it, and I need to listen to the clues my brain is giving me.

So total waste? Naw. Disappointment? Definitely. But I’ll use to keep working on my panic and will make it up to Aaron soon.

Just when I think I can plan for every scenario, one comes up that I wasn’t expecting. This probably happens to remind me that I can’t plan for everything.

You’re probably wondering if I took the trip. The answer is yes and no.

Aaron and I got up early; we had packed the night before to make sure we wouldn’t run behind. We had two bags, carry on only to go faster, and less chance of something getting lost. I had looked up the airline rules, read the visitor’s guide to DC, picked a place to eat dinner. I was as ready as I could be.

We parked in the long term parking and walked up to the airport. I haven’t flown for a long time but I knew there were self check-ins, and when we found the one for American I stood holding the paper and staring at the scanner. I was scared as hell.

I didn’t want to check in unless I was committed completely to the trip. I didn’t want to regret it in Dallas and try to find a way back down, although I knew that was still an option. But I realized, with Aaron standing next to me, that I was prepared for anything. I had him. I had everything I thought I could possibly need (Band-aids? Check.), and I committed in my mind to do the trip.

I walked up to check-in and the computer beeps at me. Sorry, it said, your flight has been booked. Would you like to check in for the next one? Totally confused, I stood in line for the counter.

I explained to the woman what flight we were on and she said matter of factly that the flight had already been filled. We should have checked in an hour before, because they had already filled the plane. Filled the plane means they sold our seats.

Shocked, as this was not an expectation, I repeated that we had bought tickets. I waved my printouts at her. She shook her head and with no emotion said that the plane was full but we could take a later flight on standby. One that would make me miss the conference. Since I hadn’t planned for this, I told her we’d come back up to the counter.

After talking it through with Aaron, I decided to not waste the airfare for one night in another city. The change of plans shocked me; I just didn’t know what to do, and I was embarrassed by this huge mistake. I sat in the airport another ten minutes to make sure that’s what we wanted, and we left.

I ended up not knowing how to feel. I had committed to go on this trip – didn’t the world understand that? But it ended up that I’m just not that important. And that’s a good thing. I’m not so important that I had to take this trip – no one would care if I didn’t make it. And I wasn’t so important that they kept my seat on the plane. And what a relief that is – I still had the freedom to do what I wanted.

I feel more determined to take a trip now, where the airline doesn’t sell away my seat!