A Life Lived in Fear is A Life Half Lived

My family started going to the Texas Renaissance Festival since we were little kids. We used to go every year, and as we got older the visits grew less frequent, but I’ve still been many times.

My friends Zach and Amber go multiple times every year so we decided to meet up at the Fest and hang out. I went early to catch the parade, which I never seem to make on time. I knew the turn was tricky and missed it, but fell in love with Siri when she helped me take some ranch roads back to the highway.

It was no surprise to see some of the same stores, shows, and people that have been going as long as I have, which is over 20 years. It’s nice that some things hadn’t changed except that we’re all getting old. This was my first time to have alone time and I enjoyed going at my own pace.

I got my fish and chips, with some ale, and sat down to wait for the parade. There was no way I was going to shell out any cash for a schedule program, especially after the ATM fee raped me, and I assumed they wouldn’t have changed it since it’s always been at noon. My guess was right and I got most of my pictures from the parade.

I ran into this guy, which ended up being my favorite costume I saw all day. Right after I took this picture, a little girl ran up and squeezed him like he was the cutest thing she’d ever seen. I was impressed because at six year olds, he would have terrified me.

Lots of stages have been added, and places that were empty are now packed with shops and vendors. It’s hard to tell who’s working a shop and who’s just hanging out because they look good. There’s a wedding chapel, and I caught the procession.

The jousting arena has changed a lot over the years, and I only stayed a little while to watch. Zach and Amber arrived about this time so I went back to the entrance to meet them.

The Fest gets more and more packed each year – I read that by the afternoon, there were over 30,000 people in attendance. I managed to buy a bracer, a fox tail (what?), and a hairband for my niece by the end of the day. I had a great time with Zach and Amber and I can see why they go often and camp. I’ll consider camping next year since I really hate it, but it would be fun with them. They know how to ren-party.

I got lost again on the way back but I figured it out. I think I owe Siri a present from bartering with her to get me back to the highway.

I’ve learned two things this week – I am a creature of habit and I do not enjoy being around negative people. And I figured this out while in the back seat of an airport shuttle in Kansas.

I have always been too terrified to travel for work because of my panic disorder. I’ve had a botched attempt, a half assed attempt, and the chance came up to travel for a training. I decided I would challenge myself and give it a try, so I warily agreed. The trip would be on a Tuesday and Wednesday to Kansas City.

I didn’t have anxiety leading up to the trip and I thought maybe it would be as easy as Seattle. But trouble started the Sunday before the trip. It started with a nightmare that left me unsettled, and I felt the doubt creep in. On Monday, I fell into my old pattern of being afraid of nothing specific. I worked out to try to shake off the feeling but it didn’t help.

I sat on the sofa and stared at the clock. I was considering backing out and I had until 8:30 to drop off my dog for boarding. I decided calling my dad for advice was a good idea. It was NOT a good idea. My dad, frustrated with me, got angry and told me to just stay home so I would stop worrying and crying. I sat with my dog for about thirty minutes when I stood up and decided to go.

I always carry a slip of paper with my itinerary and anything I personally have scheduled for a trip. I planned my outfits, charged up my iPod, loaded up my new Doctor Who audio book, and packed my Kindle. I went to bed early feeling normal about the trip and a little excited that I had decided to go.

My flight on Tuesday morning was direct and quick. I was laughing on the plane thanks to the audio book and I was completely engrossed in the story. Hearing David Tennant’s familiar (and sexy) voice made the flight great and I had the second half of it to listen to on the way home.

I started a new experience when I arrived in Kansas City since I was working. I decided to do a shuttle to the training because the company is about 45 minutes from the airport. The driver was supposed to have a sign with my name on it, but unfortunately she was running behind. (I had plans to take a picture of that.) Another passenger was in the shuttle and she discussed her flight delay and tornados with the driver, focusing on the damage to Joplin and the storms predicted for the evening.

When I got to the company, I couldn’t find any of my co-workers. Through some texting I found out I had just missed them and they ran back to grab me for lunch. The training afterwards wasn’t as bad as I expected (almost all trainings suck by default!) but the chatter increased about upcoming bad storms.

Downtown Kansas City on Tuesday by Scott Cook

At the hotel, I couldn’t decide what to do. The forecasts for Wednesday were looking bad and I started to get scared that my flight would be cancelled, which had turned into my fear’s focus. I considered hermiting in my room, really so I could obsess over the next day. My friend Ly Ann texted to say that she was going to tapas with her friend Becky and invited me along. I started to whine about my fears and Ly Ann was incredibly reassuring. I thought about my commitment a few months ago about not missing opportunities so I jumped up and said I was in.

I think that was the best decision of the whole trip! We went to a tapas bar called La Bodega. I’ve never been to a tapas bar and this turned out to be what I needed. We watched the clouds roll in, with no rain, and over the next couple of hours we enjoyed great food and some wine.

We went back to the hotel and I was in a great mood. I ended up chatting with my sister a bit and went to bed feeling good, and woke up the same. I got dressed and packed up since I’d leave directly from the training for my flight home, and a quick check of the weather seemed like I’d have no problems with my flight. I even forced my co-workers to take a photo with me.

The trainer stopped about noon and announced that we needed to go to the stairwell. The tornado warning sirens were going off. One of the only benefits about panic disorder is that most people who have it stay incredibly calm during emergencies, mostly because we spend so much time thinking about it. I grabbed my bag and went into the stairwell.

The building employees seemed to be enjoying the warning. Most had said they’d never had to take shelter before, and some were going outside to look around for tornados. Once we had word that a tornado touched down one block away from the building they took it seriously and came inside.

We look pretty calm hiding in a stairwell, don't we?

I was irritated and growing more anxious the rest of the afternoon as everyone turned into a weather forecaster. There were more tornados coming, there was nothing coming, and everyone was watching the Doppler radar and discussing predictions. I kept checking my flight for cancellations but nothing was posted. Ly Ann had to reassure me throughout the afternoon, but things were clearing up and I met my shuttle for the ride to the airport.

The two passengers in the shuttle were discussing Spain. They had never met but were sharing stories about travel gone wrong. I kept quiet in the back seat and realized that there are two kinds of travelers – ones who focus on what a great time they had and ones who focus on what a terrible time they had. Ly Ann had mentioned over tapas how much she enjoyed her recent trip to Spain which made me realize the different types. I decided that from that point forward I will ignore the negative travelers and weather forecasters.

I also realized as the scenery went by that I had difficulty with situations I can’t control. Tornados, flight delays, the shuttle, even Austin’s light rail. But using what patterns work for me, such as a support system of friends and lists, audio books or my Kindle, shows me that this is not that extraordinary and I can handle it.

The flight was delayed because of weather in other cities, proving again that I can’t control everything just by worrying about it.

I’d like to say that Kansas City was gorgeous but I never went; I can’t say I had a fun time because it was a work trip. But that’s what made this so bad ass – the point wasn’t going to visit family or having fun. It was to work. And I honestly thought that was something I’d never be able to do. Like anything it’s going to take practice for me to go on longer or different trips but this was a major accomplishment for me. And I’ve been celebrating it because to see how far I’ve come in six months doesn’t seem real.

I wouldn’t have been successful without the support from my sister and friends. I am grateful to have their understanding and kindness!

I have a great time when I visit Seattle. Washington is so different than Texas, in both looks and attitude. People are ruder in Washington. It makes me appreciate being a Texan. But the trees, and water, when I first get to Seattle continue to surprise and delight me.

Of course, the best thing about going to Seattle is visiting my family. My sister, brother-in-law, and niece make me feel like I’m at home. Every time I go I think I need to add on more days on the next trip!

Kel introduced me to Dance Central. I am trying my hardest to resist getting a Kinect, because I’d need a 360 too. She’s really good at it! I was imagining her busting out those moves at The Highball.

Kel and I decided to check out Emerald City Comic Con this time around. We were most excited about meeting Jonathan Frakes. We got to meet Brent Spiner, Wil Wheaton, and Michael Dorn many years ago at a Dallas con. They signed my season one box set so when we heard Frakes would be there, we wanted to meet him and add his signature to the collection.

And the con also had some other people we knew we wouldn’t mind seeing – William Shatner, James Marsters, and Brent Spiner too. But I don’t pay for autographs anymore. I just can’t afford to get my crap signed by everyone for $30 – $50 a pop. But the box set that I had started, well, that’s an exception. (We did stare at Marsters for about 20 minutes. Never saw Shatner.)

Spiner and Frakes did a panel that was hysterical. There’s probably a video on YouTube somewhere. I kept dropping my phone from leaning forward and laughing and probably embarrassing the hell out of Kelly. Afterward we stood in line and got my box set signed by Frakes. He asked me where Patrick Stewart was going to sign on the box. I said it was pretty unlikely to happen, so he announced he’d sign the “good” spot in the center. I resisted the urge to say he could do what he wanted, he was the ranking officer.

Lunch was Pike Place Chowder, my favorite place to eat when I visit. CHOWDAH.

We found some Doctor Who cut outs at Pike Place Market, so I had to pretend that I was standing next to David Tennant. Not very well for sure, but a girl can dream. (I was very disappointed in the lack of Doctor Who cosplay, Seattle fans!) I made my sister and brother-in-law watch Blink, and I think they are interested in the series. Sweet!

And of course, I could go on and on about my niece. Not only is she the cutest girl in the world, but the smartest too. She didn’t believe me when I said my iPod wasn’t a phone. I took a picture so I could show her the obsolete technology when she’s a teenager.

I really need to plan better so I can spend like a week there. I love Seattle, which is probably biased by my family, and the plane ride doesn’t bother me. I know that both directions are taking me to my favorite places.

If you follow me on Twitter you know I had a weekend full of win. Aaron and I went to Seattle to visit Kelly and her family and it was a very successful trip!

We rescheduled this trip because I changed my mind at the airport. Well, my panic attacks changed my mind for me, but when we got home I was determined to try again. So we set it up for this past weekend and I was set that we would go. And I had no problem leading up to the trip, which was pretty awesome.

In Seattle, I had two panic attacks but I was okay with them. I discovered that dancing in the restaurant bathroom to imaginary Lady Gaga helps me recover a lot quicker. So not only was I okay with the panic attacks, I went on and had a good time ANYWAY! Take that, panic disorder.

So, enough of that. Let me tell you how I have the cutest niece in the world and show her off by posting a lot of pictures.

We took the 6am flight which is really, really early. Thanks to the magic of time zone time travel we got to Seattle a little after 9am. (Somehow the pilot shaved an hour off the flight. If I think about this too long, I worry.) My sister greeted me and we were wearing the same color just like we did last year, which shows the twin-ness is still in full effect.

We went down to the pier and visited the Seattle Aquarium. I love the exhibits where I can touch any sea creature I can get my hands on. I made Aaron touch the starfish and urchin, and we stared at the salmon and worked hard to not eat them.

We got out to my sister’s new house in Issaquah. It’s a really cute town and the area is beautiful, even with the full Seattle treatment of cold and rain. I asked her to stop by a vintage shop on the way there and it was way too expensive for me, but they had nice stuff.

My mom sent along a stuffed kitty with us, and it was a hit. My niece likes to say MAO for meow and we were entertained by this the entire time.

This, of course, is the cutest picture of ever and will end up framed in my house somewhere. My sister is great about playing and she read a story, so I did too. We were a bit knackered so I fell asleep watching a movie after dinner.

The next day we went downtown so I could go to H&M and Pike Place Market. I know H&M doesn’t sound like an event but I’d been saving up to go. And I was proud of myself for only getting things I knew I would wear and not doing a mad grab for everything.

After that we had a great lunch at Steelhead Diner. Aaron was excited to see they had poutine so we ordered that. It’s been a running joke with some of our Canadian friends so we wanted to see what the fuss was about. It was really good.

We had a great time and I’m hoping to go again in the fall. I think we should try for twice a year until I can convince my sister to move back!

I don’t talk about my panic disorder often because it’s a part of daily life, and I usually save it for recaps. I’m going to Seattle in a few weeks to visit my sister and I am already having anxiety. I can never remember trip from trip how I feel before I go, so maybe sharing my process can help.

Here are my facts. I love my sister and her family. I think Seattle is a great town. I hate traveling and I don’t want to go.

That’s the whole base that I work with. A few months before a trip, or the formation of the idea, I’m excited. I think about seeing her or seeing a new place and I think it can’t be that bad. After all, I’ve been dealing with this for over ten years. Surely, this time will be different.

And it is different in that the amount of anxiety is less, but it’s still there. And I hate that it’s still there, like I’m failing. I’ve read to accept the panic instead of avoiding it, but I actually just hate it.

For the past few days, I’ve been considering canceling. I have an overwhelming sense of dread and foreboding; something will go wrong. I can’t even say it’ll be with the plane, with my family, with my dog – I feel like something is off. And my mind starts to look for things that could possibly be wrong.

I’ve sat and thought about all the things that can be. It doesn’t put me in a great mood and I can work myself up pretty well. I’ve decided to put off thinking about it in the evenings so it doesn’t affect my job.

Guilt plays a big role too, because I think about how much I affect my family with this crap. I have to put that aside too but it’s difficult.

This morning was rough, but right now I’m fine. I’m not thinking about the trip. I still have time to worry about it. I don’t know what I’m worried about, but it’ll come up.

I try very hard to rationalize, but like most fears there’s little I can tell myself to make it okay. Now I can decide is to go ahead and go, accept the panic and not avoid it, and hope that nothing goes wrong.

Sometimes this is all the anxiety I get about a trip, like I get it out of my system. We’ll see what happens.

We’re lucky that my dad has a cabin. Not totally roughing it of course; I wouldn’t go for that. I don’t do camping. But I have always liked going out to my dad’s place to unplug.

We decided it would be economical to stay there for our 5th anniversary. We could stay several days and bring the dog, which was perfect. We’ve never been when my dad and Michelle weren’t there so it felt a little strange.

I took pictures so I would remember how to put things back when were done. I really didn’t want to mess up the house so we were very careful to keep things clean – cleaner than our own house, actually.

When we arrived we immediately headed for the porch with a couple of beers. Perfection. After sunset we ended the evening with Aaron barely beating me in Scrabble with the word “if.”

The next day I decided to show him where we camped at Garner State Park. When I was younger, my dad, sister and I would go for ten days every summer. It would be blazing hot but we had a great system set up to make it enjoyable. The last trip we went was cut short because it rained the entire time; I think we lasted eight days before we said frack it.

Garner has changed since then. Not a lot, but the entrance is different and the staff is entirely impatient. Most state parks they are really nice. It was super packed which was surprising for Easter weekend, but it was gorgeous that day. We headed down to the dam and the good view of Old Baldy.

We drove around so I could show Aaron our primo camping spot. We would reserve it every year and it was one of the more remote ones, which isn’t saying much as that place almost looks like a commune. We headed back with toasted shoulders. I was a bit pissed since I know I should wear sunscreen at all times and I slipped up.

That evening I beat Aaron so quickly in Monopoly I didn’t have time to take a picture of it. He made awesome steaks for dinner.

Sunday we cleaned up and headed back. We had lots of reading, naps, and talking in between. I didn’t miss my computer or TV, which was really great to focus on each other. I hope to go again soon with my family, unless of course our cleaning job really sucked!

(You should read my post on my panic disorder first.)

We decided to go to the Amgen Tour of California as an opportunity to see Lance ride competitively since it was his only U.S. race this year, and we can’t exactly afford a trip to Paris. To challenge myself, I decided that we would stay two nights.

I didn’t expect any problems when I planned the trip. My panic disorder was nonexistent in Las Vegas, and I really wanted to watch Lance race. We did all our homework, had a great itinerary, and were good to go.

On the Sunday before we left, I got Very Bad News (VBN). In a way, the VBN came from no where, and I was upset for days. (I can’t talk about the VBN yet but I will soon.) I considered changing our trip but I thought I could deal.

We left for Sacramento and saw one of my co-workers on the flight. I had anxiety but I was expecting it since two nights is a HUGE deal for me. (I haven’t stayed two nights away from home in about ten years.) When we got to the hotel, I suddenly wanted to go home because I felt trapped.

We checked for flights and found nothing that would get me home that night, which cascaded into panic. (You can follow the panic stream on my Twitter.) I resolved myself to being able to stay one night but we’d go home the next day, even though that was the big day of the Prologue.

In the morning we walked around the course and downtown Sacramento. Downtown is beautiful and very organized. We checked out the Capitol, where they were setting up for the race.

And on a rare chance, even though I had made the weekend crap, we found someone to take a picture of us.

So what happened? A part of me thinks I failed and ruined another trip, and some of that is true. But I’m also not realizing what a huge step that was for me. I always try to jump ahead instead of working my way towards a goal. All the anxiety of the week with the VBD did weigh on me, no matter how much I tried to ignore it, and I need to listen to the clues my brain is giving me.

So total waste? Naw. Disappointment? Definitely. But I’ll use to keep working on my panic and will make it up to Aaron soon.

I had no doubt that we would go to Las Vegas but I was very anxious about it. I had it planned to the hour and the only things that could freak me out was 1. the plane, 2. flight delays, and 3. Boomer not being home when we got in. We arranged with Aaron’s dad to pick up and drop off Boomer so she only had to be boarded one night.

Our flight left Friday morning at 9:30am. Learning from my mistake last time, I did the online boarding pass and check in (thank you, printer at work). We got there two hours ahead of time and I was way overpacked in-case-of-emergency. This means I had four books, my Nintendo DS, five magazines, and two iPods. For a one night trip. Guess who wasn’t happy about carrying the bag.

I totally rocked the security line, remembering all the rules, and I was wearing a nice outfit (for me) since I wanted to show up in Vegas looking put together. On the plane, I tried to listen to my iPod but the plane won in noise level, so I was content talking with Aaron and looking out the window. I realized I’d never been this far west before. (You can see the Grand Canyon from up there!)

Kelly was waiting for me in Vegas. She was there for work, as part of the staff for Fan Faire. We were texting and she told me how much to expect to pay for the taxi. I’m not a taxi kind of girl (feels like a waste of money) so I was so glad she warned me.

The Las Vegas Hilton is not really what you’d call high end, but it’s still nice and remodeled. I liked it because it felt like Geek Central Control. Besides the convention, which I haven’t spelled out that is about computer games, it’s been home to Star Trek: The Experience. My sister and I have wanted to go see this for years but again couldn’t because of my travelling sitch.

We got to our room which had a fabulous view of the front sign and… construction. But who comes to the desert for the view? I figured it would be cooler at night, so we went downstairs to find my sister.

She was directing a panel with a group of players that know her very well. I couldn’t wave her down from the back of the room so I went up to the side entrance at the front. The look on the player’s faces was priceless – we do still look very much alike. I was getting double takes from her co-workers the entire time too. I got a kick out of that. She was amazing running her panels and interacting with players. She is very good at her job and I don’t think she knows it.

That evening, we skipped the conference event (karaoke, eek) and had dinner at Puck and saw KÀ at the MGM Grand. First, KÀ was amazing. Second, the people at the show are complete crapheads. They barely clapped throughout the show and at the end they were more interested in leaving than applause. I was the only one giving a standing ovation because it was AWESOME.

Oh, I wore a dress, but we were dumb and forgot to get someone to take a picture of us. So that will continue to be a mystery.

After we got back to the Hilton, I went to the craps table. I didn’t want to waste a lot of money so I was only going to gamble $20, especially since I’ve only played craps on my computer. Like the newb I am, I tried to hand the dealer the cash. After I was corrected and tossed it on the table, I moved and stood in someone else’s spot. Now feeling even more like a newb, I watched for about ten minutes before doing my own bets. I think I ran out of chips after ten minutes. But I did stay and watch and learn for about an hour and a half, to Aaron’s dismay.

The next day, Kelly was free to live the geek dream – we were going to Star Trek: The Experience. It closes at the end of August so it was now or nothing. When buying our tickets, I saw there was an option to have your photo taken on the bridge. I asked how much it was to seem non-chalant, but she could have made up any number and I would have agreed. I got on that plane to stand on the bridge. No doubt about it.

We checked out the store and museum, ignored the rides, and made our way to the bridge. It was so cool. It even had the “hum” of the engines. It was the private version for weddings and photos, so we got to walk around and pose for our picture. I wanted to shoo the employee so I could take a moment but he seemed to know how to deal with us ST:TNG geeks. We were there about ten minutes and it was so worth it.

Aaron and I had lunch at Quark’s and went to the airport to leave, again with plenty of time so I didn’t screw it up. And then we got to wait for our flight, which was delayed over two hours.

But this was the thing I dreaded most. I hear stories about long delays, and I never want to be stuck in a city. If I want to come home, I will find a way to get my ass home. But I was fine with the delay. They communicated well what the deal was (the plane was too small… who does the planning?) and what to expect. When it finally came, I read and dozed most of the flight back.

So, am I completely fixed? Am I going to Europe for three weeks? No. Every part of me wishes I could move that fast. But I accept that this was a very successful small step. Everything from the planning, Aaron’s encouragement, my sister’s support made it a perfect trip. With that one under my belt, I know that I can try a different city and enjoy the night. Now if I can only make it to two nights…

I never get bored on vacation, even if we stay home the entire time. I’m either always having a good time or I have enough crap to entertain myself at my house. I think it’s the latter.

But, we did venture outside and got some much needed sun. We went down to Padre Island with the pup, which was our first time down there. We were thinking Corpus but after some last minute research, Aaron picked Padre.

This is not to be confused with South Padre Island. Not only is that a hell of a drive, but I am way too fat to be hanging with the college girls down there. I prefer the beach with all the normal people.

We went to Padre Balli Park, on the north end of the island. When we were driving down and I saw the bridge connecting the island, I had a weird feeling like I was going someplace that could sink. What if this little island sunk, I thought? Then I realized that really, we’re all on islands, just bigger ones. (I know, deep thoughts.)

We took both the small camera and my big camera (the Canon) in case I was feeling artsy. There’s only so many pictures of waves and seagulls I could take, though. No tripod for sunset shots. I got one of Aaron looking sexah:

And he got one of me after I came back from the water, looking like a semi-drowned rat:

I am not completely self-deprecating. I say this because I really was semi-drowned. I haven’t been out in the ocean in years and years… And I’ve never liked being out there. But this beach was much nicer than the Corpus Christi Beach (sorry, childhood) so I ventured out. No oil or jellyfish!

It wasn’t deep at all; I walked out to where I was about hip deep then I floated back a little bit to where I could get on my knees. Float float, wave wave, I can handle this I thought. Then BIG WAVE in the face. I forgot what seawater felt like and tasted like, but it wasn’t scary. It was just a, oh hello memory! BIG WAVE. Yes, now I remember the stinging eyes and salt, that’s enough now… BIG WAVE. Okay, time to float backwards to shore very nonchalantly so Aaron doesn’t think I’m drowning. BIG WAVE. Okay, you… Oh, right, stand up. Work on James-Bond-walk-out-of-the-ocean look.

Boomer also tried to bite the waves, which led to diarrhea. Yup, I’m sharing that. Because I had to be the nice dog person who cleaned it up the first time on the sand, and after that we tried to get her to go about once an hour because I didn’t want that happening in my car on the drive back. Thankfully after about four rounds, she was done. Note to self – next time, don’t take her near the waves. The bad taste is not a deterrent.

Really though, I forgot how relaxing and beautiful the beach can be. I hope that we can make time to go more often, even in the winter, to just listen and sit. And grill burgers or something.

And if we go when its cooler, maybe I won’t be dumb enough to try to “work on my tan,” which resulted in sunburn in places I didn’t know could sunburn. I’m a shining example of what not to do when you go to the beach. I’m sure it’ll be an interesting tan as soon as the red goes away.

What a busy weekend. It may come to a shock to hear that we play video games regularly, and I stayed up late Friday night playing online. I’m even bossier in game which comes across great being a girl too. But after telling everyone what I thought they should be doing, we had a fun night and packed for the weekend ahead.

We went to my dad’s cabin, out near Garner State Park. At my dad’s, we usually do these things: 1. eat 2. read 3. drink 4. sleep. Repeat. The only part that sucks is the drive, depending on Austin traffic. Austin traffic decided to be the usual and it took us an hour to just get out of town. The drive from San Antonio to the cabin was clear and always entertaining to see all the small towns.

So I started with step 1 when we got there – Stacey was incredible and brought rice crispy treats. You’d think I would know how to make them but I don’t, so they are a special treat for me. Step 2 is where Aaron gets bored and I finished up “Charmed and Deadly.” It’s more paranormal than romance, but mix the two and I have a favorite series to read. I’m skipping step 3 for a while to be healthier, and that is definitely a challenge. I went to bed early when some of my dad’s friends (really, one friend and his sober-challenged buddy) decided to crash the party.

The next day was much better. We went down to the river, where my dad snapped two very rare photos. One of me and Aaron where the camera wasn’t stuck on top of the car:

And one of my elusive sister, to prove that she does exist and hang out with me:

But I really had a good time afterwards when my dad had a chance to help me look at the guitar music. I have a great book for lefties which has made things make a lot more sense, even though it’s still really complicated. I feel like there’s some secret guitarists know and I’ll discover it someday.

My dad has a great setup in the cabin with a keyboard and music stand and wanted to tackle my first song challenge in the book, When the Saints Go Marching In. Let me tell you, those saints did not want to go marching in. He was very patient and explained to me, “This is not a half step up on the guitar like it is on the piano. And this string is the same as this string in this position. It’s the same as the black keys on the piano, just some are sharps, right?”

I’d nod a few times like, yeah I get that, when in fact I was trying to remember “Every Good Boy Does Fine.” One of the great things about being left-handed is that tab charts don’t give a crap if you’re special and left handed. So my best bet is to learn to read the music.

I finally got the saints to march in (using two strings), and felt better about approaching the Girl Guitar class.

After dealing with killer cramps all day that let me be awake for about a total of six hours, I drove myself to class. (I am paying a lot of money here.) There are four girls in the class plus the teacher. One of the girls and the teacher kick ass. Me, no so much.

Mandy is a fantastic teacher, and I can’t imagine being in her shoes. “Okay,” she said, “This song is easy. It’s just the A, E, D, A chords. Got it?” (I’m not even sure I remembered those correctly and I was there for an hour.) So we struggled from going to A to E while she was counting and trying to encourage us to sing a song I’ve never heard in my life. Did I sing? Oh no.

At the end of this class in six weeks, we’ll be doing a showcase. I’ll probably just play those three chords and call it done. But I’m willing to work on some sexy fingertip blisters to figure out how to play guitar so I don’t completely embarrass myself at the showcase.

On the way home, I stopped for gas. The pump reached out and strangled me and stole $41.04 to fill up the tank. When is that going to change?